I HATE THIS PART OF ME

I hate it.
I hate it because it can control me.
I hate it because it can ruin my day when I fail at it.
I hate it because it is inevitable that I can’t do it.
I hate it because when I don’t, sometimes it means I screwed up.
I hate it because when I do it, it is a temporary fix.
I hate it because it feels like I’m living in a fishbowl.
I hate it like hollywood hates the paparazzi.
I hate it because it makes it hard to rest.
I hate it because it is always undone.
I hate it because it is both Godly and ungodly and therefore must always be inspected.
I hate it.

I hate it because it is a double edged sword. Even when I do achieve it with someone, it by default it means I did not achieve it with someone else.

I hate it because my job and my faith requires me to both care about it and not care about it. Constantly. Every day. It’s like this healthy and unhealthy tension at all times.

I hate it because it makes it hard to say no to anyone. My family. My teachers. My boss. My friends. Homeless people. Pretty much anyone. Sometimes even those who hate me.

I hate it because it makes anything I do for myself sometimes feel selfish.

I hate THE PEOPLE PLEASER part of me. Sadly, it appears to be stuck inside and might never leave.

Here’s some verses I’ve been wrestling with on the subject the last few months:

Galatians. 1:10 Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Matthew 22:16 They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know that you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by others, because you pay no attention to who they are. (Side note: even though the speakers are being sarcastic in this verse, I wonder if it’s not like all sarcasm, holding a bitting piece of truth to it. Jesus both cared for people and didn’t care what they thought.)

Acts 5:29 Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than human beings!”

1Corinthians 10:32-11:1 Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God—even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

2Corinthians 5:9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

1 Thessalonians 2:4 On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

One day. Maybe. Maybe I’ll figure out how to care about people without caring about pleasing them. Then maybe I won’t hate it. Maybe.