I’ve had to come to some tough realizations this last 4 months or so about friends and this post is more vulnerable than feels safe to me… but here goes:
1. Ministry feels lonelier than ever. I have very few close friendships with men my age. Seminary is both a hard and weird place to build friends. Youth pastor network meetings are not filled with men who wear their need for friendship on their shirt sleeve (myself included) and this is only complicated by sporadic attendance by many of them. In my church, very few of my peers want to involve themselves with a teenager, they have their own jobs and kids to contend with- so I don’t have many men my age I serve with.
2. I am a slow builder of deep friendships. They come over time, need to have a natural feel, and it’s hard to feel safe with someone who will simply love you, faults and all. (especially as a pastor living in a 2500 person fish bowl we call the church) This is complicated by past wounds in ways I’m only partly aware of I’m sure.
3. I have some “peer friends” on our street, but no one I can open my life up to over a cup of coffee or a beer in my back yard. It’s just casual friendships.
4. Over time, either myself or my friends move. Almost all of my deepest friendships, from college onward, even many of the ones I’ve tried to start here in the last 4 years, have in one way or another moved on. All of my really deep friendships are living not minutes, but hours or even days from here. Distance has complicated things that technology cannot solve.
5. I think I really need a mens and/or a couples small group. I’ve tried to start one a few times with a few couples in our church, but our schedules end up clashing and it becomes impractical. There are some existing small groups, but they are not easily broken into and it also requires someone who not only I feel safe with, but Shannon as well.
6. Financially, a couples small group costs me close to $20 a week in child care unless we can find a time and place where we can pool that resource. That adds up fast. I think I have to budget for this need.
7. I need to deal with this issue this year. I’m trying to put together a group of guys who, might even travel from across states to meet up. I think I still need some weekly stuff. This is not a “drama filled” process like some sorta hold over from teenage life, it’s a soul level reality I need to wrestle with this year I think.
8. I wish I had a brother. No offense to my sister or my wife. I just hope my sons realize what a treasure they have in brothers. I pray they grow up to be tight friends. I hope they travel across states to hang out once year as adults- with or without me.
9. I have a lot of soul searching to do in this area. Some say leadership roles are lead by lonely people. I’m not buying that- I think it’s a load of crap someone is using to cover up their own pain. I’m sure I’m a BIG part of the problem and it might take some tears to shake the truth out of hiding. Maybe this is part of my pruning. I hope they come from someone who loves me and not from the wounds of someone who is hurt or angry.
10. The hardest question to truly wrestle with in all of this: “Who considers me to be a deep and close friend?”
“Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” Proverbs 18:24 (The message) Lord help me to live with and be that kind of friend.
Husband. Dad to 5. Student Ministry Pastor. Follower of Jesus. Yatta yatta.
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