Archives for August 2011

As a youth pastor and a Dad I have an underlying principal that guides me in both those roles.  It’s this: “I want to teach them how to think, not what to think.”

But despite my passion for it, that’s going to remain a nice t-shirt motto unless I’m really intentional about it.    So, if it rings true to you and that’s what you want to do as a parent or youth leader too, here’s a few reminders for both of us.

YOU’RE NOT SAFE:  As a default, your role has made you unapproachable.  Ok, maybe you’re an aces parent and super cape wearing youth leader, but everyone around you is not. So that means that the title has baggage.  If you want students to ask real questions then they need multiple places to ask those questions from lots of mentors and voices.  Student will tell parents some things they won’t tell youth leaders and friends some things they won’t tell either and stuff they’ll tell youth leaders they won’t tell anyone else and around it goes.  It takes a community.  We must find and create one if we want real questions asked.

FOSTER DOUBT:  You and I don’t have all the answers- to anything.  So, if you want students to ask questions, then share some of your own.  Play the role of devil’s advocate and flip a theological rock over every now and again.  Ask some hard questions like “So, why would you pray to a God you can’t see?” or “If God can control an earthquake, then is God unloving when one kills hundreds of thousands of men, women, and kids?” Dig in and dig in deep.  If we don’t create spaces where we can doubt and wrestle with real questions, we’ll only be teaching them what to think and not helping them learn how to think.  Be ok with the unknown and the hard questions.. go digging for both.  It’s where the real spiritual growth lies.

PROVIDE ANONYMOUS QUESTION CARDS:  I’m always amazed at what students will write down and ask me in a group of 10 or 100, that they won’t ask directly.  Our church staff even uses “anonymous question cards” when tough issues come up so people who ask what they’re really wondering.  This is both weird and understandable to me. I really want safe places but I also have to acknowledge that 99% of environments are not safe from judgment and the fear of ridicule.  We did this again last Sunday and I’ve decided a staple in my student ministry from here out will be anonymous question cards that students can write down and we’ll periodically address in youth group.

MEET ONE ON ONE:  If you want to become safe, then there’s no substitute for relationship.  There’s also no fast track to relationship. If I could challenge you to do just one thing on this list it’d be this. One on one times with my kids or students are the best way to foster and ask questions.  They are the best time for me to both strive to become safe and to dig for deeper questions. They also don’t just happen and are rarely initiated by students or my kids.  If I want them to be a priority, then they must be my priority and be intentionally sought out.

This week my church is launching a week of prayer and it got me thinking about praying before meals.  I confess: I’m not the best at praying before meals.

As a kid I grew up and we prayed a memorized prayer before dinner.  In our home today, we don’t pray a memorized prayer, but we pretty much only pray before the dinner meal. We take turns and now our kids kinda lobby for who gets to pray.  Maybe it’s cuz at dinner, you have to wait for everyone to be served and us to pray before you eat.  I dunno.  At breakfast, lunch, or any other meal, you can just dive in once you get what you get.  Don’t ask me why it is, it just is.  Welcome to our weird world of eating at the kitchen table in the Berrytribe.

I’m not even really sure why we do this as Christians, but evidently, you’re supposed to pray before meals.  Sometimes it’s awkward when I’m with someone, cuz I never know their conviction level on this one.  And there’s this weird moment where you’re not sure if you’re supposed to just eat or wait or what.

But, here’s my observations on prayer time at meals and the variations I’ve seen.

BUMPER STICKER PRAYER:
“Rubadub dub, thanks for the grub. Let’s eat.”

I don’t know how this one goes, but before you eat, you’re supposed to hold your fork in your hand or fold your hands, then bow your head over your food, close your eyes, and not say anything anyone can hear but show them you’re not eating yet either.

I was introduced to this prayer by a friend of mine. I use it in restaurants a lot.  It’s where everyone at the table grabs their glass, and instead of offering a “toast” to someone at the table, you offer one to God. You thank him for the food and for being at your table and then everyone taps glasses.  Then you eat.

Which does your family do?

My oldest son, TJ went to his first day of high school today.

I’ve worked with high school students in the church for 17 years as a full-time youth pastor and now I finally have one in my house.  It’s weird, exciting, faith stretching, and perspective warping already.

So, here’s some initial conclusions I have staring down tunnel of parenting, knowing the next 4 years will be like a blur:

I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT MAXIMIZING THESE NEXT 4 YEARS. 
Today I re-uped my commitment to deeply care about the student ministry we are doing at our church.  It has always mattered to me, but for obvious reasons, the reality of what’s at stake has a new face for me.  I re-uped my commitment to meeting weekly one-on-one with TJ like we’ve done the last 3 years.  I re-uped my commitment as a Dad to make the sacrifice and investment it will take to invest my best time into the privilege of parenting.

I’M ACUTELY AWARE THAT TODAY MARKS A NEW DECADE FOR US.
For the next 10 years, the Berrytribe will have at least one of our kids in high school.  Wow.  That’s a lot of high school years ahead of us.  At year 6, we’ll have a senior, a sophomore, and 2 freshman in our house.  HAAA!

I’M NO LONGER “TELLING PARENTS HOW TO DO WHAT I’M NOT DOING”.    
I’ve worked hard for 2 decades to be in that place.  I’ve apologized and backpedaled my way out of giving advice to parents of high school students because I have not done it.  Even 10 years from now, I won’t have some magic wand or be able to give advice without the humble truth that I don’t hold the answers to to the task of parenting teens.  But with every passing day of the next 3650, my credibility as a pastor who is walking in a high school parent’s shoes, for better or for worse, will only increase.

DANG, TIME FLIES. 
I know everyone says this, but I swear, my son was born yesterday.  14 years went WAAAAAY too fast.  My youngest will be freshmen tomorrow.  I gotta continue to freeze me some moments in time.

I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE TO QUIT ON THIS DAY
For years I thought that this day would mark a day that I might need to bow out of youth group.  In an effort to give my own high school students the space to own their faith, I thought I might need to call it a day on this day.  But after a summer of ministry together, I’m even more committed to doing life with my own high school students while leading with them in the risk and faith filled experience we call Student Ministry.  Today was truly a new day on the job for me.

Pray it up people.  My family needs a decade of your help and a 5 fold dose of grace from the Lord on this one.

… then you are blessed.

Don’t believe your flushing toilet makes you blessed?

Water.org reports that more people in the world have access to a cell phone than a toilet.

I believe it. In early July I was in Haiti with our students. I saw people with cell phones in tent cities with no toilets.  I watched kids in an orphanage use a hole in the ground because they had no flushing toilet.  In Uganda I watched people walk into mud huts in the most remote of villages on Lake Victoria and have a cell phones, but no toilets.  The first time I met my now daughter Becky, she was peeing in a field, which is normal… cuz there are no toilets in fields!

Then a few weeks ago I was traveling the country to go camping with my kids and I was reminded that in the United States, we have toilets everywhere.  We have toilets in houses.  We have toilets in restaurants and gas stations and stores. We have toilets in campgrounds and in fields in the forrest and no joke….

… we even have toilets on the side of the road.  Yup.  On the side of the road, on all kinds of roads, we have places to pull your car over, sit in the shade, and poop in private on some multi-thousand dollar pooping spot.

Seriously?  Seriously!

2 weeks ago I was in the middle of butt-crack-nowhere Nevada… I swear, we passed one car every hour headed south east on hwy 140 headed out of butt-crack-nowhere Oregon and was like 120 miles outside of Winnemucca.  Trust me, 120 miles outside of Winnemucca, Nevada is the definition of butt-crack-nowhere.

And of course, one of my kids in the back seat tells me they have to poop.  I tell them, “Well, I have bad news for you.  We’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s gonna be 2 hours before you can poop in anything remotely resembling a toilet.”  Truth is, you could poop behind a different sage bush for the rest of your life on the road side where we were and never hit the same one twice and never be caught doing it either.  There is nothing and no one out here.

Then, I kid you not, we came around the corner and there was a “rest stop”.  I laughed out loud!  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I’m on a 2 lane road used by 15 people a month and there’s a rest stop with toilets that someone has to drive out and stock with toilet paper, clean, and pump poop out of.  There was a shade cover thing and a section of road to park your car on.  Even a picnic table!

Unbelievable.  I drove almost 2500 miles through 9 states, never dodged a pothole, and stopped at roadside toilets so Americans don’t have to pee in “public”.  Try that in Haiti or Uganda or Mexico or… 100 other countries in the world.

Wow. We’re stupid blessed.  If you don’t believe me.  Go without a toilet for a week.  Or better yet, just drive across the United States counting public toilets.

If my kids said it once, they said it 50 times on our 14 day road trip this summer.  “Thanks for taking us camping Dad.”  As a Dad, I think it’s the best thing we do for our family all year.

This summer was our longest road trip yet: almost 2500 miles, touching 9 states, 3 campgrounds (Trinity Lake in CA; Yellowstone/Grand Tetons in WY; & Zion in UT), and having a ton of fun with friends and family along the way.  With TJ heading into high school this year, it really feels like the countdown has begun.  We have only so much time as a family before life starts getting really complicated with schedules and agendas.  I’m more committed than ever to not waste these next 10 or so years.  This is the last decade until everyone turns 18 in our home.  Crazy how time flies.  I’m gonna do everything I can to put on the brakes and make trips and experiences like these a must every break I can find.

You can take a gander at this slice of heaven in these pictures below.  They pretty much tell the story.  But whether you’re a camping family or not, here’s a couple of reminders I took away from our family vacation.

There’s no substitute for time spent.  You can’t rush impact on your kids.  Influence comes slow through methodical and consistent time spent over the long haul.

Intentionality and sacrifice is required.  Even if impact can come in spur of the moment times, it was planning that put my family on a road trip. It took time, money, effort, sacrifice, and focus to pull this experience off.  We decided to do this and the investment was beyond worth it.  But I can’t assume I will influence my kids or impact their lives by accident.  I must be intentional about it.

There’s something awesome about getting away in nature.  No cell phones. No internet. Just the beauty of God’s creation and the joy of spending time in some of the most beautiful country on the planet.  Really, we have an epic opportunity to experience nature in San Diego and in the State and National Parks around us.  It is so healthy and needed for my family to spend ample time in them. It’s good for all our souls.

Smiles and experiences like these are priceless.  I’m so thankful for this memory.