A friend of mine is looking for a youth pastor and casually asked me 2 questions over Facebook. (1) What do I think has changed in the last 10 years in youth ministry and (2) what would I look for in a youth pastor?

Here’s the first answer.  I’ll post the second tomorrow.

WHAT HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 10 YEARS IN YOUTH MINISTRY? 

MOMENTUM IS HARDER TO BUILD: At least in San Diego, I’ve found that generating momentum is 4x harder than it’s ever been.  Students and families are busier than ever, interested and involved in tons of things, and teens are fragmented from one another on such a deep level that the thought of having a program or event that “everyone goes to and would not miss for the world” is almost impossible.  In a addition, at Journey at least, there are tons of families that come to our church once every 4 to 6 weeks, and building a connection with those students (especially the ones who can’t drive themselves places) is all but impossible.

THE CELL AND FACEBOOK: The last 10 years have radically changed a students plugged in factor.  RADICALLY.  90% of my students are plugged into a digital media source in ways that are unprecedented.  There is never a time when I’m talking with a group of students that someone isn’t being lit up by a text message or Facebook update.  It’s affecting families and the capacity for a student to be present in ways we never saw 10 years ago.

• HERE’S A CASE TEXT:  We recently tried to ask parents of infants/toddlers at JCC to give us cell phone numbers so that we could contact them in case we needed them in main service for their kids. We wanted to text them so we could avoid our current number system that causes everyone to check their tag number, disrupting all parents instead of just one.  However we got lots of push back from people because they turn off their phone.  Good news. But why? Because they have Facebook linked to their phone and anytime it’s on, they are constantly being buzzed and alerted of changes others are making online.  Literally, they are doing most of their life tethered to the internet and people and places they are not physically with at all times. 

DISCONNECTED PARENT-TEEN RELATIONSHIPS:  Families are deeply spiritually broken… many times generations deep.  Gather 100 students together and very few have any kind of spiritual heritage. I don’t know if this is a change I’m noticing because I’m a parent of teens now or a real change, but FAR LESS than 10% of parents I talk to meet one-on-one with their kids for any kind of intentional life conversation or discipleship.  Seriously, I go to soccer games and 4 families are watching.  I never run into parents out on a date with their child.  They go shopping together or take them places.  But almost no one sits down and has a regular teen-to-parent conversation where they talk about life, faith, and the future together.  It’s radically altering our need for mentors due to the absentee dad, mom, parent, and even grandparent.

SOCIAL AWARENESS:  They are passionate about and interested in social change.  Not all of them.  But many of them are as willing to go feed the homeless or work with an orphan as they are to attend a dance,  football game, or weekend snow trip.

BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS:   Gone are the days where a Biblical reference in our culture is even noticed.  There is essentially a zero basis from which we begin.  Biblical Illiteracy is off the charts.

EXTENDED ADOLESCENCE:  The extended adolescence thing is killing us. Maybe you think this is just a cliche in the current teen world, but I’m telling you the average 16 year old is not 2 years from being capable of fulling running their own life like an adult. They are a decade away. It’s ridiculous and has radically changed in the last 40 years and exponentially in the last 10.

There you go… that’s my off the cuff list.  If you’re a veteran with 10+ years in youth ministry, what do you think has changed in the last decade?

A student comes to you and asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to.  Maybe about life, about the Bible, about a current event, about pop culture. About anything.

Or maybe a parent comes to you and asks you a question you don’t know the answer to.  Not like why did you this or that.  Like, what should I do when my kid does xyz or what happened at an event you were not at?

So, what do you say?

• Option 1- FAKE IT:  lots of people do this.  They just make up something that is vague and kinda right, trying to sound confident and reassuring.  Crisis averted. 
• Option 2- CLAIM IGNORANCE:  come out and say, I don’t know.  Then apologize or tell them it’s not your department and send them to someone or somewhere else to get the answer.  

Retail environments do both of these all the time.

• FAKE IT:  “Do you know where I can find such and such an item?”  “We might carry it.  If we do, it’ll be on isle ______.”
• CLAIM IGNORANCE:  “Nope, sorry, I have no idea. Go ask so and so and try this store _________”

But then this morning, a volunteer who is my son’s small group leader for our middle school came into our high school room to look around.  It was between services and I know he is finishing up a graduate degree and works at the Apple Store in our community and I asked how he liked it.  He said, “I”m enjoying it.  Best retail experience I’ve ever had, but I have to get a different job cuz it’s definitely not paying the bills.” I asked if they worked on commission and he said they did not.  I asked about training before he got the job and he said it was 6 weeks before he was allowed to speak to a customer.  Then I asked him this:

“What do they teach you to say when you don’t know the answer to a question?”

He quickly said, “I don’t know, lets go find out together.”

Well there you have it.  A much better option.

• Option 3-  BE HONEST AND ENGAGING: Don’t make stuff up, but don’t pass the buck.  Respect their question, affirm their inquiry, confess your ignorance, and then join them in finding a solution. This does so much for you and the person asking the question.  It allows you to be truthful.  It shows you care.  In the end, you find out the answer and are wiser because of it too.  

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and I the host of the morning show I was listening to was doing a bit about some survey that asked which of the following four things would you rather be:

• THINNER
• RICHER
• SMARTER
• YOUNGER

LET THEM EMBRACE GOD’S UNIQUE DESIGN (love based), NOT LIVE MY DREAMS (self based)

1 Corinthians 12:4-6 reads: “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”

We all know the parents who seem to have their kids doing everything they did or even wished they could do.  In an effort to lead their kids into a great experience, they have accidentally led them into a version of themselves a parent, not into who God has fully called their kids to be.  For sure, my family camps because I do.  Sure, my kids play soccer because I do.  We all clearly influence and shape our own kids.

But they also have their own unique personality and passions too.  Parenting my 5 kids means that I must constantly consider how God has uniquely wired and gifted each one so that I love them for who God has made them to be, not who I wish I was or they were.

In parenting toddlers, this might mean:

• Fuel and fan anything they love that is good.  If your kid loves to draw, then feed that.  If they love to run, then get places where they can run.  If they love to sing, then by all means, give them some place to excel at that gifting.
• Look hard in the mirror before correcting your child’s passions. Make sure the issue is with your kid, and not truly with you instead. 
• Try all kinds of stuff with them.  Try dance and art and reading and sports and music.  Try little bits of all kinds of stuff to try and help discover how and who God has wired your kid to be.
• Let them have some choices.  For example, instead of just picking out their outfit for the next day, either help them make a choice or give them a few sets of clothes to choose from.   Maybe ask them to pick between 3 meal options for friday night.  When you go out, let them choose from several options to order off the kids meal. 
• Be your kids biggest fan. Go ahead. It’s ok. Love your kid and who they are and celebrate how God has wired them.  Help curb their rough spots for sure, but be sure to celebrate with them in what makes them super happy too.  

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Well, I hope you liked this series of posts. I hope it was moderately helpful to you in your role as a parent. I know even writing them out again reminded me of some values I’m trying to continue to instill in my kids, long after the toddler age has come and gone.

HELP THEM OWN THEIR FAITH (Jesus based), NOT JUST OBEY YOUR FAITH (rules based)

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 reads: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (NIV)

As parents, one of our values should continually be to get our kids to behave a certain way when we are not forcing them to do so.  Our goal is that they would make wise decisions when we’re nowhere around.  Anybody can drive safe with a cop in the rearview mirror.  It’s on the open road that is the concern.   Yes, I know your kid’s an angel at their friends house and a pain in the rear at yours.  I get it.  I just mean that ownership, not compliance is our goal.  If it isn’t, I guarantee that compliance or fear won’t work as a dating motivator.  What will make a difference however is shared values. This is back to answering the why, not just the what question.

For parenting toddlers, this might mean:

• Use God in everyday language.  Don’t just relegate spiritual discussions to post sunday school or on church days.  Infiltrate your home with conversation that invites your kids to invite God into every space.  
• Pray often and get caught by your kids.  Teach them how to pray and model for them the value of it. Pray with them for friends, their own concerns, and for thanks too.  Make it a habit to constantly thank and ask God to move with your kids in prayer. 
• Don’t just tell kids we don’t say “such and such” a word.  Help them understand how those words hurt others or why those words are not good.  Remind them of your goals as a family to honor God an help them to see what things do and don’t do that. 
• If you’re experiencing behavior issues, you could consider helping them to create a list of what they can and can’t do.  For example:  Maybe the rule list with your 4 year old looks like: put my clothes in dirty clothes hamper, brush my teeth when I’m asked, say nice words, and share my toys with others.    You can even come to conclusion together on the consequences or the rewards… like an ice cream or a few minutes to play a video game they love or watch a movie or have friend over for a sleep over.  If the reward is clear and motivating, sometimes just not getting that thing is enough of a consequence to get your point across.  You just need to think about what motivates your kids, cuz every child is different and has different motivators. As they get older, rules clearly change, but their input into them will be the family norm and they’ll own the values instead of just adhere to them. Then you can post the list on the fridge or more privately inside a bedroom door so that you can refer back to it with them. If our kids begin early on to have a say into agreed upon behaviors and what happens if you do or don’t follow through, they begin the process of ownership instead of compliance that is mission critical in the long haul. 
• Don’t shut down faith questions or even doubts.  Invite your kids to explore the infinite mystery of God and wrestle with them in their sincere questions.