I HATE SHAVING

I hate shaving.

I have an electric razor that I can only use if do so regularly- otherwise I have to use the old school razor. Cuz if I wait too long, the hair gets too long and then it takes 500 days to shave. I hate that. I also hate trying to shave with it after showering cuz my stupid hair is all softish and folds over and the dumb razor suckola at working when it’s not all prickly and angry looking.

So yeah, I hate to shave. Thus the electric one is often in the car and I shave while driving so I don’t have to give it my undivided attention- shaving that is. Yes, it’s against the law for me talk on my cell phone while driving, so I traded. Now I do that in the bathroom and shave while driving.

I inevitably miss some critical piece of my face, regardless of what I use to shave, and then feel awkward all day.

Maybe if I bought one of these shavers it would be cool and I’d like it. Maybe I’d become a celebrity or something.

But I’m pretty sure no one really buys these things and the blades are gonna be like $5000 each, just like the fusion ones at Target. When I am rich, I’m gonna give away razor blades to youth pastors who can’t afford to shave.

Why not just grow something then you say?

Well….

I’d just grow a full on man beard, but my wife would never kiss me.
If I grow a mustache, I might have to watch endless episodes of Magnum PI or something.
If I grow a goatee, my chin looks like it starts about mid chest and I look like 5000 other youth pastors.
If I grew a fu man chu, I could move to china and my wife would never kiss me.
If I keep a 5 o’clock shadow, my daughter complains I’m scratchy and won’t cuddle with me.

So there you go. I hate shaving. I only do so to get kissed.

In my next life I’m gonna become a monk, grow a beard, and hide stuff in it.