Archives for February 2013

I don’t think I’ve ever done a book review on this blog, though I have told a couple of friends I would love to.  This is predominantly because for the last 8 years, just about all I’ve read has been seminary books.  So the ones I said I’d blog about are still not read. But recently I’ve felt prompted to break this trend in my life and get some books off my shelf and into the real world.  So, as I’m nearing the end of seminary, I’m trying to open up my non-seminary mandated book reading again and begin to blog some responses to them.

So I decided to start small and read a mini-book that I was confident I could read in one sitting from the five part Parent’s Guide series published by Simply.  I took 45 minutes of my SD to Indianapolis plane flight and read one that two friends of mine, Adam McLane and Mark Oestreicher, wrote entitled, “A parents guide to social media.”

I tried to be as objective as possible, so here goes my thoughts:

ONE SENTENCE REVIEW…  This short book should be mandatory reading for all parents of minor age children today.

IF THE TITLE SAID IT ALL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TITLED…  Before you give your kid access to the internet, buy them a cell phone, or let them have a facebook page, read this!

QUOTE THAT MADE ME CHEER:

“Don’t forget the end game: As parents of teenagers, we are trying to raise adults. We’re more interested in wisdom than compliance, more interested in responsibility than high walls or protection, and more interested in healthy parent/teen communication than maintaining a veneer of good appearance.”

THE MISSING CHAPTER: I loved this book. That said, if I could have added a chapter, it would have been titled. ““Practice What You Preach”. This book is chocked full of great principles and wisdom for internet and social media use. But as I read it, I kept asking myself as a parent: how well do I do that? This book can’t just be advice for parents. These pages have to become values as a family if they’re going to actually make a difference. Marko and Adam say it in sentences here and there in this book, but I would love it in a dedicated chapter really calling parents to personally set the bar high. So as a parent, when you pick this book up, I’d encourage you to read it twice. First for you. Then for your parenting.

MY TAKEAWAYS:

• Internet Privacy is an oxymoron. They write, “There is no such thing as internet privacy; there is only perceived privacy… everything you post or send online creates a digital record that may one day become public.” Everywhere you go, everything you search, all that you post, every advertisement you ever click on is tracked, recorded and held onto somewhere. Simply put, we need to treat everything we do online like something we’re doing in the front yard and not something I’m doing in the bedroom. As a general rule, secrecy breeds sin: for parents and kids and everyone else.
• NOTHING replaces honest, open, regular connection with my kid. In a chapter entitled, “Stuff Teenagers Need to Understand” they write, “Maybe you should just read this section of the book to or with your teenager.” I couldn’t agree more. It’s like it should be required whenever a child is given permission to have a facebook, a cell phone, or a laptop. The truth is, if I don’t want my kids to be one person with me and another person online, then the absolute best thing I can do is have constant, open, and investigative conversations into who they are as I do life WITH them.. including their digital life and mobile life.
• Start Early: Those who will have the hardest problem implementing these ideas are the ones who have been virtually absent from their kid’s lives up ‘til now, allowing them to live under the same roof but essentially exist in autonomous lives like ships passing in the night. If you don’t want a terrible online teen, then invest deeply in the life of your kid today and never stop. Be a present parent.

So seriously, if you’re a parent in the 21st century, then the world is never gonna go back to a pre-digital age. Don’t stick your head in the sand and complain about it: just go get this book. It’s short. It’s cheap (ie: probably less than what you will spend on lunch). It’s worth your time. It just might save you headaches and a lot of money in counseling fees in the long run too.

Well, the “criticism” on Criticism Bites is slowly beginning to come in through book reviews.  This one- pretty much doesn’t count as criticism cuz he liked it a lot evidently.  Anyway, it came from Matt Murphy on his blog.

Here’s what he wrote:

Brian Berry delves into a task that is often difficult for new professionals, especially youth workers to grasp. Brian nails the concept of criticism as he wrestles with the reasons why criticism hurts, then helps us understand how to cope with criticism and respond biblically. The sooner you grasp the concepts in this book, the better off you and your minstry will be.

Being able to understand criticism helps build a stronger ministry and keeps the leader from loosing their mind! This book should be in leadership primer classes as it aptly explores themes around criticism and explores what is and what isn’t the readers responsibility.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has dealt with criticism and is in ministry. (even not in ministry). I read this book through in one sitting it was so good.

If you’ve read the book and want to post your thoughts- critical or otherwise, I’d be honored to shed some light on them here.  Feel free to add your own comments to this post or go ahead and write a post and mention it on twitter, facebook, or send up a flare or something and I’ll try to give you a shout out.

Also, if you’re headed to the simply youth ministry conference this weekend, I’ll be there presenting on the subject a couple of times on Sunday.   Come find me and we can chat it up.

I’m stoked to be able to head to the Simply Youth Ministry Conference this weekend and teach two half tracks (4 hours each) on each of the books I’ve written.

• The first will be on Saturday: “As for me and my crazy house: strategies for the rest of your life.”
• The other is on Sunday: “Criticism Bites: how to respond two and even learn from your critics.”

Regardless of which one we’re talking about, I’m stoked to be able share some of my learnings with my youth ministry tribe peers and if you’re going, I would love to have you join me!

But as I was preparing these sessions, I decided to google my book titles and see what else I could find.  Criticism Bites is too fresh for very many reviews to come up. But I’m clearly not very good at this because in the process, I found two book reviews on As for me and my Crazy House that i’d never seen.  I thought you might enjoy them, especially if you’ve never read the book and were wondering if it’s for you or not.

Here’s the words of a youth pastor in Ohio, Jeff Beckley:

The overarching quality of this book is the realness.  The author’s transparency of his family life is both refreshing and re-assuring, that pastor’s families don’t have it all together, and it is as times crazy.  But, the book does a great job at providing insight of developing balance with family and ministry.

You know it is a good book when there are statements or ideas that will be lifelong “sticks”.  What I mean by “sticks” is these are things that I hope to do within my lifetime, or within the time my children are still in my home.  Examples would be the “moving of the fulcrum” on page 94, or turning off the cell phone and turning attention to the kids, finding a mentor, dating your wife, one-on-one time with your kids, the long distance race of parenting…just to name a few.  You may read this list and think those are all no brainers…yeah, but don’t you want practical ways to accomplish all those things.  This book will provide that for you, with humor and realness!

… you can read the rest of the review on his site here.

Here’s another one from another youth pastor in Ohio, Austin McCann.  No idea if they know each other, it’s a big state- really big on an election year.  Ha!  Anyway, he writes in part:

I’m not exaggerating when I say this, but this has been one of the best student ministry books I have ever read. That may come as a surprise to many because this book doesn’t reveal “the next big youth ministry model” or “a new creative way to reach students.” It’s simply a book that focuses on something so much more important than all of that-the spiritual and emotional health of yourself as the student pastor and your family. I absolutely love this because I believe the student pastor being where he needs to be spiritually, emotionally, physically, is the most important aspect of student ministry. Events, Bible studies, games, etc. can wait, making sure you are the student pastor God called you to be is more important.

..you can read the rest of his review on his site here.

Lastly, you might want to note that the publisher recently changed the subtitle of the book from “Guarding your heart, marriage, and family from the demands of youth ministry” to “Guarding your heart, marriage, and family from busy life”.  It really doesn’t reflect any changes in the book itself, but there is a subtle shift that removed the words “youth ministry” from the subtitle.  This was not prompted by the youth ministry world, but rather by the overwhelming feedback from those who read the book outside of that profession that said they didn’t think this was only for youth ministers, but rather for anyone whose is married and raising kids in the midst of a CRAZY schedule and demands.

So, if you want a copy or to send some to people trying to love God, their spouse & their kids in the midst of the crazy, well feel free to grab one in the side bar and we’ll get it shipped to you ASAP!

A few weeks ago I watched my son’s final JV soccer game. The game was intense and during the second half, a player on his team got into it with their opponent and in the fight for the ball, he knocked the other guy to the ground.  Obviously, neither player was happy about it, but the player on my son’s team was especially angry and moved to fight the player on the ground.  His teammates jumped in to stop him and it caused a huge scene as they tried to keep him from physical contact which would have likely cost the team a red card- and forced them to play a man down for the remainder.

In the midst of the stink this all caused, the coach decided it would be best to pull his player and give him some time on the bench to calm down.  This is not the first time this has happened with this player, and he makes a lot of spur of the moment anger decisions.  I was about 10 feet behind the bench when I watched one of the coaches walk over to the offending player.  He only said two sentences to him.   He got down in his face, looked him straight in the eye, and said in a firm and calm voice,

“Seriously, you were going to kick a man while he was on the ground?  Son, that’s not leadership.”

I kept waiting for him to tell him something else, but that was it.  He didn’t move away for a few seconds, as if he was waiting for the words to sink in and be fully processed.  But I honestly don’t think the player was even remotely thinking, “this is how I lead.”  Which is why this was pure genius.  I absolutely love watching this coach interact with these teens because he invites them into manhood.  In every way, he calls these players to become something.  Not to obey rules.  Not to play the game right. Not to just improve as athletes, but to improve as young men.

It got me thinking, “What am I really calling students to? What am I calling my own kids to be?”

• Am I calling them to be bible readers or followers of Jesus?
• Am I calling them to obedience or to passion?
• Am I inviting them to tow the line or to live by risk and faith?
• Am I asking them to be believers or to be leaders?

It also reminded me of this truth:  What I call students to is what they’ll aim for.  In other words, if our student ministries or even our families lack leaders, maybe it’s simply because we never require it of them.  Maybe, instead of just correcting a mistake, we should call them to step into a different identity.  Instead of calling students to behave a certain way, we should be calling them to become a man or woman of character.  That character, by default, excludes the option of certain actions.  It’s like a grid through which decisions can be made.

Then tonight, on my way to dinner, I walked past this karate studio with these pictures in the window.

I again was struck by what they don’t say.  They don’t read, “Punch.  Kick.  Fight. Win.”  Instead, they read “Leadership. Determination. Goal Driven. Dedication.”  It’s time we take a clue from the athletic coaches of the world.

Let’s call teens to live better lives, not have better behavior. 

Ecclesiastes 7:1–2 reads:
“A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.” (TNIV)

Every time I go to a funeral, I’m reminded that Solomon was right when he wrote those words.  Every time I help my kids navigate a loss in a critical soccer game, I’m reminded that losers ponder their methods and rethink objectives, but winners just celebrate and toast the victory.  Every time I make a mistake or suffer loss or struggle as a pastor, husband, or father….  I’m reminded that pain and hardship cause me to rethink stuff, but victory and ease cause me to coast through life.  It just does.

CS Lewis put it like this in his book “the problem of pain”.  He writes, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

And that reality is no less true today than it was 3000 years ago when Solomon wrote it down or when CS Lewis echoed them in 1940.  However, since the majority of my work is with high school students, most of them feel like death is a lifetime away (and I pray they are right).  So they never give death or morning much thought.  Not that their parents do either, but death and mourning are not popular subjects for teens.

However, the Biblical book of James reminds the reader that our lives are like a blip on the map of eternity and even a long 90-year life will be over before we know it.  He warns: “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”  (James 4:14)

To this end, I think one of my jobs as a youth pastor is remind teens that today should be lived in light of forever.  I have a responsibility to challenge my students to consider the life they are living and the destiny they desire.  I have a responsibility to live that way myself.

Just last Sunday I sat down with a young woman in our high school ministry who had asked to talk.  She told me she was not happy with where she was at spiritually and that she wanted to make some changes.  Rather than spend a lot of time focusing on how to help her do that… I spent the majority of our time reminding her that what she does today should be shaped by who she wants to be tomorrow.

When we know what we want said about us at our funeral… when we know what we want to be known for and to be all about… then-and-only-then do we have a solid filter through which to make our decisions.  Youth ministry is not about giving students tools to navigate the stress of today.  It is instead about helping them set a compass that will help them navigate all their days in a way that honors God.

Recently… I was reminded of these truths by two GREAT pastors on opposite ends of our country:

1. Louie Giglio, recently gave a sermon in Atlanta, GA that is beyond worth the time to listen to on this very subject.  Seriously, it’s so good you should go download it now and give yourself an hour of life that will remind you what you want all of life to be about.  Get some earbuds and drown out the rest of the world for a few.  You’ll be so thankful you did.

Here it is under the title:  From Here and Now to Now and Forever.

2. Britt Merrick is a pastor in the Santa Barbara, CA area whose 8 year old daughter, Daisy, just tragically died from a 3+ year battle against cancer.  In that context, he gave a sermon a few days before Daisy’s death that will rip your heart out.  It will also, in no uncertain terms, remind you that while the day of morning is not chosen by any of us, is still the crucible through which life screams it’s lessons and lives are forever transformed.  This sermon is a video and might be the best 50 minutes you’ve spent in the last 50 days.

It is titled, “When Sparrows Fall” | and was given at Reality Santa Barbara