Archives for January 2012

A student comes to you and asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to.  Maybe about life, about the Bible, about a current event, about pop culture. About anything.

Or maybe a parent comes to you and asks you a question you don’t know the answer to.  Not like why did you this or that.  Like, what should I do when my kid does xyz or what happened at an event you were not at?

So, what do you say?

• Option 1- FAKE IT:  lots of people do this.  They just make up something that is vague and kinda right, trying to sound confident and reassuring.  Crisis averted. 
• Option 2- CLAIM IGNORANCE:  come out and say, I don’t know.  Then apologize or tell them it’s not your department and send them to someone or somewhere else to get the answer.  

Retail environments do both of these all the time.

• FAKE IT:  “Do you know where I can find such and such an item?”  “We might carry it.  If we do, it’ll be on isle ______.”
• CLAIM IGNORANCE:  “Nope, sorry, I have no idea. Go ask so and so and try this store _________”

But then this morning, a volunteer who is my son’s small group leader for our middle school came into our high school room to look around.  It was between services and I know he is finishing up a graduate degree and works at the Apple Store in our community and I asked how he liked it.  He said, “I”m enjoying it.  Best retail experience I’ve ever had, but I have to get a different job cuz it’s definitely not paying the bills.” I asked if they worked on commission and he said they did not.  I asked about training before he got the job and he said it was 6 weeks before he was allowed to speak to a customer.  Then I asked him this:

“What do they teach you to say when you don’t know the answer to a question?”

He quickly said, “I don’t know, lets go find out together.”

Well there you have it.  A much better option.

• Option 3-  BE HONEST AND ENGAGING: Don’t make stuff up, but don’t pass the buck.  Respect their question, affirm their inquiry, confess your ignorance, and then join them in finding a solution. This does so much for you and the person asking the question.  It allows you to be truthful.  It shows you care.  In the end, you find out the answer and are wiser because of it too.  

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work and I the host of the morning show I was listening to was doing a bit about some survey that asked which of the following four things would you rather be:

• THINNER
• RICHER
• SMARTER
• YOUNGER

LET THEM EMBRACE GOD’S UNIQUE DESIGN (love based), NOT LIVE MY DREAMS (self based)

1 Corinthians 12:4-6 reads: “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”

We all know the parents who seem to have their kids doing everything they did or even wished they could do.  In an effort to lead their kids into a great experience, they have accidentally led them into a version of themselves a parent, not into who God has fully called their kids to be.  For sure, my family camps because I do.  Sure, my kids play soccer because I do.  We all clearly influence and shape our own kids.

But they also have their own unique personality and passions too.  Parenting my 5 kids means that I must constantly consider how God has uniquely wired and gifted each one so that I love them for who God has made them to be, not who I wish I was or they were.

In parenting toddlers, this might mean:

• Fuel and fan anything they love that is good.  If your kid loves to draw, then feed that.  If they love to run, then get places where they can run.  If they love to sing, then by all means, give them some place to excel at that gifting.
• Look hard in the mirror before correcting your child’s passions. Make sure the issue is with your kid, and not truly with you instead. 
• Try all kinds of stuff with them.  Try dance and art and reading and sports and music.  Try little bits of all kinds of stuff to try and help discover how and who God has wired your kid to be.
• Let them have some choices.  For example, instead of just picking out their outfit for the next day, either help them make a choice or give them a few sets of clothes to choose from.   Maybe ask them to pick between 3 meal options for friday night.  When you go out, let them choose from several options to order off the kids meal. 
• Be your kids biggest fan. Go ahead. It’s ok. Love your kid and who they are and celebrate how God has wired them.  Help curb their rough spots for sure, but be sure to celebrate with them in what makes them super happy too.  

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Well, I hope you liked this series of posts. I hope it was moderately helpful to you in your role as a parent. I know even writing them out again reminded me of some values I’m trying to continue to instill in my kids, long after the toddler age has come and gone.

HELP THEM OWN THEIR FAITH (Jesus based), NOT JUST OBEY YOUR FAITH (rules based)

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 reads: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (NIV)

As parents, one of our values should continually be to get our kids to behave a certain way when we are not forcing them to do so.  Our goal is that they would make wise decisions when we’re nowhere around.  Anybody can drive safe with a cop in the rearview mirror.  It’s on the open road that is the concern.   Yes, I know your kid’s an angel at their friends house and a pain in the rear at yours.  I get it.  I just mean that ownership, not compliance is our goal.  If it isn’t, I guarantee that compliance or fear won’t work as a dating motivator.  What will make a difference however is shared values. This is back to answering the why, not just the what question.

For parenting toddlers, this might mean:

• Use God in everyday language.  Don’t just relegate spiritual discussions to post sunday school or on church days.  Infiltrate your home with conversation that invites your kids to invite God into every space.  
• Pray often and get caught by your kids.  Teach them how to pray and model for them the value of it. Pray with them for friends, their own concerns, and for thanks too.  Make it a habit to constantly thank and ask God to move with your kids in prayer. 
• Don’t just tell kids we don’t say “such and such” a word.  Help them understand how those words hurt others or why those words are not good.  Remind them of your goals as a family to honor God an help them to see what things do and don’t do that. 
• If you’re experiencing behavior issues, you could consider helping them to create a list of what they can and can’t do.  For example:  Maybe the rule list with your 4 year old looks like: put my clothes in dirty clothes hamper, brush my teeth when I’m asked, say nice words, and share my toys with others.    You can even come to conclusion together on the consequences or the rewards… like an ice cream or a few minutes to play a video game they love or watch a movie or have friend over for a sleep over.  If the reward is clear and motivating, sometimes just not getting that thing is enough of a consequence to get your point across.  You just need to think about what motivates your kids, cuz every child is different and has different motivators. As they get older, rules clearly change, but their input into them will be the family norm and they’ll own the values instead of just adhere to them. Then you can post the list on the fridge or more privately inside a bedroom door so that you can refer back to it with them. If our kids begin early on to have a say into agreed upon behaviors and what happens if you do or don’t follow through, they begin the process of ownership instead of compliance that is mission critical in the long haul. 
• Don’t shut down faith questions or even doubts.  Invite your kids to explore the infinite mystery of God and wrestle with them in their sincere questions.

EXPECT THEM TO BE MATURING (experience based), NOT TO BE MATURE (evaluation based)

Ephesians 4:12-13 reads, “Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ until we come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature and full grown in the Lord, measuring up to the full stature of Christ. ” (NLT)

Our goal as parents is future tense. We are working towards maturity which is a continuum. As a pastor to teens, my primary problem is not with a teen who is acting 16, it’s with a parent who is.  If we all learned to act our age, we’d be better off across the board in my opinion.

This means you should expect your 4 year old to spill stuff, tryout new words she heard someone else say, pitch a fit now and again, and cry when hurt in ways you no longer cry about as an adult.

For parenting toddlers, this means:

• Give them age and capability related responsibilities.  If they can’t carry a whole grocery bag in after groceries are bought, give them something from the bag they can carry. Help them to be as mature as they are able.  Maybe they’re not ready to do their own laundry, but maybe they can put away their own laundry once it’s folded. 
• When our kids were younger, one of our pumpkin patch rules was that you could only have one as big as you could carry all the way to the car.  No cart.  No help.  Seems silly, but it reminded our kids that they are responsible for what they are able to do in a subtle way.  We’ve often used the pumpkin patch as a teaching illustration for them when they ask to do that which is inappropriate for them, either too small or too big. 
• Give them the freedom to fail.  We all make mistakes.  We desperately need houses of grace that help us to learn from and move on after falling short. Our kids will jack up life.  When they do, be quick to use them as teachable moments that move them towards maturity…. even if it constantly feels like 5 steps forward and 3 steps back. 
• As age increases, consider and evaluate each kid individually as parents and work towards healthy behavior and responsibility expectations for their current age. Remember, the goal is to work yourself out of a job.  We are trying to set patterns that are moving your child closer to a full-fledged self-motivated and capable adult who is able to care for their own needs.